Say it... Out loud!

Why must I be blessed with these incredible powers of perception?! Maybe if I'd asked what the over under on Ralphie -Side note: I know these are incredibly distracting, but stay with me- Side note: Turns out I was making up his name -but not just willy-nilly name fabrication. His name is Robert. Ralphie, as in Ralphie May was the fat guy on Last Comic Standing a number of years back. Maybe if I'd asked what the over/under on Ralphie (Robert) losing 150 lbs and running a marathon were, we'd have a whole different show on our hands. But that is not the way that the divine forces moved my prophetic fingers. Instead, this week, Hell's Kitchen saw Robert (Ralphie) wisked to the hospital in the back of a ambulence leaving the men's team woefully short-handed -we'll get back to this, but let's talk for a minute about the fact that the show directly caused Ralphie's (Robert's) medical problems. I should say, they didn't cause his medical problems, but certainly they directly agrovated them. See, the challenge this week -for those not familiar, the format of the show is Challenge->Reward->Dinner Service->Elimination or CRDSE -The challenge this week was to create a three course meal under 700 calories. The men had a hard time with it... a really hard time -Note for the men's team: Pasta contains a lot of calories and tastes like crap without more calories added to it. So the men lost. Their punishment? Because this show was about watching weight, or something, they had to ride this crazy 6-person bicycle to the market to get potatoes and onions to prep dinner with while the women went and did something, I don't remember what. The market, as it turned out, was on top of a huge hill. Two things I was left questioning at the end of the sequence; 1) Did they really not realize that this would kill Robert (Raplhie) and possible another team member -they're hauling Ralphie (Robert) Up the hill on this bike... and at two packs a day, none of them are particularly healthy. 2) I didn't see any brakes on that contraption, that was a steep hill, how did they get down the hill without killing themselves or rolling into traffic? Of Course, neither question got answered. I was able to sleep last night, though.
So the men and the women faced off at dinner service again -the teams even in people because of aforementioned medical issues. The Whoopi Goldberg v. Chef Ramsey ticket was a bit boring, honestly. Here's the recap; He's a bit of a twat, she doesn't get that he gets to be a twat because it's his show and America wants to see him be a twat -For the record (FTR): I would never, in my normal life, call someone a "twat". I'm using it here because it sounds very British to me, and this is my blog. Anyway, she leaves the kitchen and Gord-o follows her. They proceed to fight in the part of the kitchen that I will -from this point forward- refer to as the fighting/pep-talk/redemption room -They don't always fight in there, but two of those three must happen before they leave the room. So Whoopi and Gord-o, fight and find redemption. Whoopi comes out of the fighting/pep-talk/redemption room redeemed and full of vigor and gets to cookin'! "Get out of my station!" she growls as she storms out of the fighting/pep-talk/redemption room! Note: she was on the garnish station... I'll just leave it at that.
Wrapping up, the service is awful, Ramsey shuts down the kitchen before service is over and both teams lose. They must now go upstairs and nominate one from each team to go up for elimination -which means absolutely nothing on this show, as Chef Ramsey will eliminate whoever he wants (foreshadowing!). So the teams nominate Jane and Phillip (I made up those names, I don't know who they nominated) to go up in front of Ramsey and plead their case. They both do awful AWFUL jobs... I would have eliminated them both. Ultimately Ramsey eliminates.... Jim! (I didn't make that name up). I'm left conflicted;
a) Jim was a crack up, a legitimately funny man. An actual quote (maybe a paraphrased quote, I can't be bothered with accuracy): "It was a kitchen-pocalypse, like a grenade went off in a cow's ass".
b) I always enjoy Ramsey deviating from the nominees and demonstrating that this particular reality show is run strictly on the whims of one Gordon Ramsey
c) As Jim was such a crack up, he was a legitimate threat to steal possible zingers from me. We can't have that.
Final judgement; he'll be missed, but I think it was for the better.

The next show was More to love. Needless to say, between Ralphie (Robert) and More to Love, there were an unfair number of fat jokes flying through the parlor last night... I feel kinda bad. Kinda.
So, for anyone who hasn't seen this show, let me sum up everything every woman on the show says with this; "I've never experienced anything like that before... you know, because I grew up fat. People usually just hurl rocks at me." And let me sum up everything -I can't remember his name, and I can't bring myself to call him "The Fatchelor"... I'll call him Steve. Let me sum up everything Steve says; ... ... ... "Cliche cliche cliche. You're beautiful. Cliche cliche. Let's make out". Something about this guy is WAY slimy... and I know, it's a Fox show about a guy picking through a pack of fat women with terrible self esteem, so it's probably, really, only half his slime, and half the ambient slime from being on this affront to decency. That being said; WATCH IT!
There's really not much more to say about this show, if you haven't watched it yet, you missed out on the 21 year old who had never been on a real date (seriously, someone messed her up... she was big, but she was pretty. She definitely wasn't a "never been on a date" candidate.) and the road construction flag holder, who hated everyone. OK, so that wasn't her job, but she was way trashy... and way catty... good watchin'.

I'm done. I'm leaving you with some of the finest acting of our generation. Say it... out loud!