At this point, I'm blogging about as often as something unprecedented happens in Hell's Kitchen. Which is to say, about once a week. I'm sorry, I wish I could have come up with something a little funnier, used a little more hyperbole, but I didn't and there's no going back now. There. Is. No. Going. Back. Now.
And there it is, my opening paragraph. So, Didja watch Hell’s Kitchen last night? Didja? Because I did, and I’m going to blog about it… and here’s the thing; it was the final episode, so I’m going to tell you who won…. I think they call that a “spoiler”, but I’m going to call it “I’m going to tell you who won”. Yes, I’m stalling. I’m leaving time for the slower of you to decide whether you watched Hell’s Kitchen last night, and then whether you want me to tell you who won –In truth, this is completely wasted time since I think The Girlfriend and the Pissed Off Line Cook are the only people reading. First off, I don’t think POLC watches the show, and I know The Girlfriend watched it because we watched it together. Also she’s way smarter than me, so she wouldn’t need any extra time to determine whether she wanted to keep reading or not regardless. More or less, I’m writing this crap because I haven’t blogged in like a week, I’m rusty, and I’m building up steam going into the next paragraph. So you can skip the previous paragraph, if you want. [Editor’s note: Yes, I edit my own blog, that doesn’t mean I can’t have editor’s notes- As I was saying –typing- Not only can you skip the previous paragraph, you can skip every other paragraph for the duration of this entry –it’s a long one.]
Well, Dave did it. It’s funny, I think I wrote in an earlier blog that I thought Dave had a learning disability (I may have decided against that obviously inflammatory comment, I don’t remember, the point is, I thought it). But the last couple of weeks, it’s been pretty obvious that if his hand didn’t fall off, he was going to win. At least that’s what I remember thinking now. I definitely remember reserving the right to change my story at any point due to the fact that this is my blog.
But I get ahead of myself. It was a two hour show and some other stuff happened. For example, the reward challenge at the beginning of the show was for each of the three (Ariel was still there) chefs to recreate a cuisine from a different culture. You know, because Whistler will host the 2010 winter Olympics -consequentially, our last winter Olympics as the world will end in December of 2012- and the Olympics involve people of many different cultures –Until December 2012, at which time we will be removed from the Earth by some sort of “space vacuum”. So, Gordo had three of those, things… you know, the silver plates, with the fancy tops… you know. Gordo brought out those fancy plates and had each of the chefs randomly pull the fancy top off the fancy plate to reveal a little flag and something else -really, I don’t remember what the other thing was. I’m not generalizing. I don’t remember- which would reveal which cuisine they’d be attempting to recreate. Ariel went first, because Gordo’s a English gentleman before all else, and got Chinese. Which spawned this exchange between The Girlfriend and I:
Me: “Is that Chinese food like Chinese food, or like Chinese food?”
TG: “That’s a good question”
My good question was never answered. Dave went second and got Indian food… predictable reaction from Dave (or anyone): “I’m F**ked”. I agree, not because Indian food is hard to cook, but because Dave’s a moron -or mostly a moron; he recognized that one of the challenges of creating food for Indian people was that not all meats are OK. However, after carefully considering this fact, he chose… wait for it… Pork. Yep. The only way Dave could have chosen a meat more likely to be forbidden by someone’s religion would be to choose human. But Dave went with pork, didn’t really seem to hurt him.
Kevin chose last. Kevin got Mexican. Really? Chinese, Indian, and Mexican? They could have gone with Chinese, Indian, and French Fries. Or Chinese, Indian, and Jell-o. So Kevin’s got it locked up, right? Well, luckily for those of us that think Kevin’s a douche-bag -namely anyone who doesn’t have a nurse or family member tuning their hospital room TVs to Hell’s Kitchen for them- Kevin forgot to put the Mole sauce on his dish –Side Note: I’m pretty sure Kevin’s dish was Cilantro Lime Tequila Rojo Mole Verde Chicken Poblano. Seriously, as he was describing it I took a power nap, thank God, because that’s the only way I could make it past my 10 o’clock bedtime to get all this in for you, my two readers.
As a surprise Gordo brought in chefs that specialize in each of the aforementioned cuisines (I guess that’s why they didn’t go with Jell-o), and those chefs determine who did the best job. Yawn. Dave won, which meant that he got to hang out with each of the chefs while they prepared their signature dishes for him. Also, we discovered during this bit that Kevin may be the only chef in Hell’s Kitchen history that doesn’t smoke. Interesting.
Dinner service was the annual “Can you run the kitchen?” service where Gordon calls each Chef up and has them run the kitchen. I think this is my favorite episode of the season. It’s predictable, someone always goes over the top, but it’s entertaining, because someone always goes over the top. This year, I was dead sure that Kevin would be the over the top chef, but he actually did a really good job, good enough for The Girlfriend to think he was going to win (didn’t work on me, I think Gordo’s been set on Dave for a couple of weeks). He caught all of the sabotage plates and had the kitchen running pretty well. Still, I knew that if there were a fair and just God, Kevin would not win. There is a fair and just God.
Anywho, it was, in fact Dave that did his best Gordon Ramsey impression. He was kicking the garbage can, whipping his towel around, it was one “This risotto is f**king delicious” away from “spot on”. Brits. Dave missed the sabotaged plates –note here: Ramsey’s sous chefs confuse me. Is there job better than the one these chefs are competing for? Are they barred from competition? What gives? Also… Sous Chef Fella (I don’t know his name, but he’s the dude) is hilarious when he tries to pretend that his sabotage tests were in fact accidents.
Ariel had a bit of trouble controlling the kitchen, and by “controlling the kitchen” I mean “Keep Dave from sabotaging her by pretending he can’t cook scallops” but other than that I thought she did OK. She caught one of her two sabotages in which Sous Chef Some-guy substituted Salmon for Sea Bass…. I’m pretty sure they’re drastically different colors… but it was under a bunch of stuff, so good on her!
Regardless, Ariel went home, leaving Kevin and Dave in the finals. For the first time that I can remember –This week! An unprecedented development in Hell’s Kitchen!!- For the first time, the two finalists didn’t spend any time “designing” their restaurants. Could be because the Araxi (is that the name? Does it matter?) already exists… I know this because the head chef at the Araxi was at the restaurant during the finals. I couldn’t be the only person to find this confusing, right? It’s pretty likely that Dave and Kevin’s response to the news that the “head chef” from Araxi was in the restaurant was something along the lines of “So… wait… Who’s out there?”… but I get off point. There was not restaurant design this season, only a menu design. Kevin went complicated, Dave went simple… in fact Gordo –in what was phrased like a compliment- called Dave's menu “pedestrian”. That couldn’t be a compliment, right? Does “pedestrian” mean something different in England? Anyway, I don’t remember what he said about Kevin’s. I’m not sure it matters.
I just realized that this blog is running up around 1.3 million words. That's a lot. I'll sum up: So Dave wins based on comment cards. Robert's a douche. And Whoopi is mysteriously absent. Bummer.
One more thought before I go; At the end of hell's Kitchen, they both stand in front of a door leading to the balcony above the restaurant where all their friends and family are. Gordo counts to 3 and they both try to open and walk through their respective doors, only one doesn't open. Is there a more humiliating winner announcement in all of Reality TV land? When you loose in Hell’s Kitchen 4 things happen in very quick succession:
1. You try to walk through a locked door. This is heartbreaking in any situation.
2. You realize you’ve lost Hell’s Kitchen to a man with one arm
3. You have to continue to stand behind your door while aforementioned one armed man stands just on the other side receiving the adulation of his friends and family
4. You get consoled by Gordon Ramsey.
Is there a more spirit crushing loss in TV land? I don’t think so.
Until 3 weeks from Tuesday… stay classy, POLC and The Girlfriend.
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