The path is long and slow, and the underbrush is thick, but I believe I see a clearing ahead of me.

Wow, seriously. What a horrible piece of crap that was. I'll be honest with you, because what am I, if not honest? I didn't watch the whole thing. I'm not sure I made it half way.
Here's the catch; I didn't need to. It's like Cloverfield (I'm about to make myself look and feel old here), I went to see Cloverfield in the theatre. It gave me motion sickness -just like the hundreds of other middle-aged women that saw it in the theatre- and I left early, but throughout the movie, the question I kept asking myself was this: "Do I care enough about what happens to put up with the discomfort of nausea?" For the first 2/3rds of the movie the answer was "yes", but at some point, the answer turned to "no" and I got up and stumbled out of the theatre. Same thing happened with Marci X (and Funny People, but that's a story for another blog entry).
It's your standard Odd-couple scenario; on one side a black, hardcore gangster rapper. And what's the complete opposite of that? A rich blond Jewish heiress, of course! The movie writes itself! Well, so long as you include stereo-types so crude as to completely miss the mark -Dr. S (the "hardcore gangster rapper" everyone's up in arms about) has Christina Aguilera style backup dancers- the movie writes itself.
The story is this: There's this crazy offensive hardcore rapper, Dr S (Damon Wayans), see, and this super spoiled and superficial Jewish heiress(Phoebe from friends). But things get crazy when the rapper's new album "drops"! People get all outraged and boycott all the other companies owned by the wealthy Jewish man that owns (to his surprise, cus them wealthy Jewish men just can't keep track of all their businesses!) the record company. The boycott is so shocking that the wealthy Jewish man has a heart attack and is hospitalized and shielded from any business dealings. Well, it turns out this wealthy Jewish man has a daughter, who happens to be the totally vacuous, superficial, Jewish heiress. But when he tells her that he "wishes he had a son" so he could have someone to run the company, she gets all motivated and marches herself down to have a word with this Dr. S. So she arrives at his concert and he calls her up on stage to have a word with her about trying to censure him, but the jokes on him! After three or four tries (cause rapping is hard!) she breaks out the consumerist anthem (which you can find on my Meet the Spartans Blog) "Power in my purse"... it's all downhill from there. There's some terrible gay jokes, mixed with terrible boy band jokes (it's like peanut butter and chocolate) and that's really it. At some point they end up kissing (cause all that fightin' sure to make a person amorous!), then his girlfriend gets all "up in her face", then Mike gets up to have a snack and never recovers, the end.

Two good things;

Pat Cashman had a bit role (for those not from the Northwest and/or not over 30, Pat Cahsman was on the now defunct Almost Live a Seattle based sketch comedy show that aired after SNL during the 80s and 90s. He's also the non-cactus spokesman for Taco Time)

I have not yet been deterred from my quest to watch all 100 terrible movies on my list. Next on my list; Hababam sinifi merhaba or "Look at those funny Turkish people!" (Note: According to the good people at Dictionary.com it actually translates to "Hababam class hi"... I'm pretty sure it's a teen sex romp). I have NO idea where I'm going to find this. None. But I will give a valiant effort (or at least a passable effort, then I'll skip it and replace it with something else. Or just skip it.)

Warning: This may be the best clip I've ever posted, I'm actually looking forward to this. Also, is that Reba McEntire?


I'm done.