I have a new blog... well, same blog, new name and address.
Anyway, it's here
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Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Brain injuries, American Idol, and Macreme earrings
American Idol top ummm... 8 Ladies? Is that right? Is this the last week before the top 12?
I think it's right, in truth, I only remember like 4 of them. Anyone who didn't know me could come upon this blog and think that I've suffered some sort of head injury, as I can never seem to remember what happened on TV the night before. I have nothing else to add.
Let's talk American Idol women! Ok, first off Crystal Bowersox was awesome. Also, you can't call her anything other than "Crystal Bowersox". I've tried. Can't be done. Don't even bother. She sang something good. I can't for the life of me remember what. Seriously, I'm a little concerned.
Weird girl... like legitimately weird girl, not "weird ass earrings middle class parents girl" -we'll get to her later. Weird girl sang "House of the Rising Sun". It was very good, it wasn't as good as last week when she sang -seriously, did you think I'd remember? all I remember is that she hit that crazy note at the end... Crazy!
"Weird ass earrings middle class parents girl" sang a Patsi Cline song... she likes Patsi Cline... of course she does. She also like Johnny Cash and old typewriters. I don't care. I also don't like her, and what's the deal with her macrame earrings?
The girl with red hair sang something. I thought she was good. The Fiance says she wears too much eye make-up. I... agree.
Didi Benimini sang a Fleetwood Mac song, I don't remember which one -surprise!- but it was very good. Really very good.
So that wraps up the American Idol women that I cared enough to -kind of- remember. You want a prediction? here you go; Two of the following three go home; Last black girl, 17 year old girl, and girl with a lot of curly hair. I'd like it to be 17 year-old and WAEMCPG, but that's probably not going to happen.
Here's a commercial that's been on a lot lately. I think it's brilliant.
I think it's right, in truth, I only remember like 4 of them. Anyone who didn't know me could come upon this blog and think that I've suffered some sort of head injury, as I can never seem to remember what happened on TV the night before. I have nothing else to add.
Let's talk American Idol women! Ok, first off Crystal Bowersox was awesome. Also, you can't call her anything other than "Crystal Bowersox". I've tried. Can't be done. Don't even bother. She sang something good. I can't for the life of me remember what. Seriously, I'm a little concerned.
Weird girl... like legitimately weird girl, not "weird ass earrings middle class parents girl" -we'll get to her later. Weird girl sang "House of the Rising Sun". It was very good, it wasn't as good as last week when she sang -seriously, did you think I'd remember? all I remember is that she hit that crazy note at the end... Crazy!
"Weird ass earrings middle class parents girl" sang a Patsi Cline song... she likes Patsi Cline... of course she does. She also like Johnny Cash and old typewriters. I don't care. I also don't like her, and what's the deal with her macrame earrings?
The girl with red hair sang something. I thought she was good. The Fiance says she wears too much eye make-up. I... agree.
Didi Benimini sang a Fleetwood Mac song, I don't remember which one -surprise!- but it was very good. Really very good.
So that wraps up the American Idol women that I cared enough to -kind of- remember. You want a prediction? here you go; Two of the following three go home; Last black girl, 17 year old girl, and girl with a lot of curly hair. I'd like it to be 17 year-old and WAEMCPG, but that's probably not going to happen.
Here's a commercial that's been on a lot lately. I think it's brilliant.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Idol is CRAZY with surprises! Whoo! Surprises! Also, Friskies may or may not be providing your cat with recreational drugs.
So, Idol surprise: -We'll get to the cat thing later- the guys went tonight! See, that's a surprise because the girls were supposed to go except Crystal Bowersox had some kind of medical issue that rendered her unable to sing last night, but perfectly capable of singing today. I don't know.
So the guys got thrown onto the stage waving their sideways peace signs at the camera which was -apparently- being run by someone who was also surprised that they had to work last night... the cameraman took a solid five minutes to realize that you're supposed to avoid the tops of the audience members' heads. This resulted in a great Fiance moment: When the camera panned to Kara -who's chest was "blurred out" by the top of someone's head- The Fiance reacted with a very excited "Whaaaat?!". Guess you had to be there. Anyway, it turns out Kara wasn't topless, she was wearing one of Paula Abdul's old dresses. Zing! Seriously though, judging from last week and this week, by week seven Kara will have fully morphed into Paula. Mark my words! -side note: you should always be marking my words.
Well, apparently there were also some guys singing last night. I don't remember what order they went in, and -most disturbing of all- I don't remember the nicknames I gave them last week... so we'll have to come up with new ones.
What's that? No I can't go re-read my blog from last week!! Jesus!
I do remember that the first contestant to go was the largest man on the planet. Last week he had a very small guitar. This week he sang "It's a man's world", which contains the line "It wouldn't be nothin' without a woman or a girl"... here's the thing, James; I know you don't want to exclude any possibilities, but no one's holding you to this, you can go ahead and write the line so that it's not awkward.
Anyway, I thought it was going to be a train wreck. After all, James Brown was really more of a band leader than a singer (now, I know he sang, I'm just saying, he strength was putting together and leading a band, not singing... I'm a musician! You have to listen to me!). But old Mike "Contestant most likely to eat Ryan Seacrest" Whatever-his-last-name-is did a good job with it. The judges were all up in it.
I don't remember who went second, but I remember that the singer/dancer and the guy who threw the band under the bus both oversang their songs. And were annoying. TGWTTBUTB asked the judges -after they told him he picked the wrong song- which song he should pick next time... ugh.
Hair -the one who Kara has a creepy sort of crush on- has some kind of pre-show ritual involving something in a box that he's only going to tell us about if he makes the top ten. I don't care. He sang a song that other people have sung before. He plays a mean guitar. Did I say that I don't care?
Crystal Boy-ersox, aka the Dentist, aka His parents were in a gang! was bad this week. It hurts me to say it, but he was. I think he was trying to either a) lower expectations or b) make the judges realize that even if they don't particularly like the song he chooses to jazz up and play on acoustic guitar, they should shut up and enjoy it, because the alternative is much worse. Regardless, I think he's fine; his parents were in a gang! Maybe not even the same gang! We don't know!
"ABC family" and "Lucky to still be" here can be summed up in the following conversation between myself and the Fiance. -The Fiance was out of the room.
The Fiance: Is this the teenager?
Me: Nah, he went earlier... He sang 'my girl'
The Fiance: Dear God... How'd it go for him?
Me: It was like a guest appearance on 'Full House'
The Fiance- Good line, you should put that in your blog
Me: Oh, I will.
The Fiance: Who's singing then?
Me: It's the guy that got in cus the other guy got kicked out. I don't care about him really... Except that he's terrible.
Asian guy was boring.
Carrol Brady and 1995 were both really good. Also, they told a little bit about themselves, and it kinda worked on me. Carrol Brady gets real nervous before he goes on stage, or plays football. Also, he's from Texas, so he's tapping into my love of Friday Night Lights.
1995 has a stupid goatee. But he was a troubled kid who got sent to an alternative school and met a teacher he calls "Amy" -creepy! Who came to his audition with him -Even more creepy! He's kinda likable for a guy with a concealed weapons permit and douche-bag facial hair who certainly drives a car with a carbon-fiber hood on it.
Ok. I'm done. I think Asian Guy and "Lucky to still be" go home. Also I think Kara develops an addiction to prescription drugs, struggles to stay awake for the rest of the season and has a "comeback" performance mid season next year.
Additional thought: I saw everyone's favorite dreamboat Robert Pattison on the Daily Show last night (actually it was this morning, stay out of my business!) and I'm pretty sure he's dead. Not in a "150 year old dreamboat vampire" way, but in a "being animated through a series of electrical pulses" sort of way.
Either way, I think I need more you-tube clips in my blogs, this aired during the Olympics and begs the question: What?
So the guys got thrown onto the stage waving their sideways peace signs at the camera which was -apparently- being run by someone who was also surprised that they had to work last night... the cameraman took a solid five minutes to realize that you're supposed to avoid the tops of the audience members' heads. This resulted in a great Fiance moment: When the camera panned to Kara -who's chest was "blurred out" by the top of someone's head- The Fiance reacted with a very excited "Whaaaat?!". Guess you had to be there. Anyway, it turns out Kara wasn't topless, she was wearing one of Paula Abdul's old dresses. Zing! Seriously though, judging from last week and this week, by week seven Kara will have fully morphed into Paula. Mark my words! -side note: you should always be marking my words.
Well, apparently there were also some guys singing last night. I don't remember what order they went in, and -most disturbing of all- I don't remember the nicknames I gave them last week... so we'll have to come up with new ones.
What's that? No I can't go re-read my blog from last week!! Jesus!
I do remember that the first contestant to go was the largest man on the planet. Last week he had a very small guitar. This week he sang "It's a man's world", which contains the line "It wouldn't be nothin' without a woman or a girl"... here's the thing, James; I know you don't want to exclude any possibilities, but no one's holding you to this, you can go ahead and write the line so that it's not awkward.
Anyway, I thought it was going to be a train wreck. After all, James Brown was really more of a band leader than a singer (now, I know he sang, I'm just saying, he strength was putting together and leading a band, not singing... I'm a musician! You have to listen to me!). But old Mike "Contestant most likely to eat Ryan Seacrest" Whatever-his-last-name-is did a good job with it. The judges were all up in it.
I don't remember who went second, but I remember that the singer/dancer and the guy who threw the band under the bus both oversang their songs. And were annoying. TGWTTBUTB asked the judges -after they told him he picked the wrong song- which song he should pick next time... ugh.
Hair -the one who Kara has a creepy sort of crush on- has some kind of pre-show ritual involving something in a box that he's only going to tell us about if he makes the top ten. I don't care. He sang a song that other people have sung before. He plays a mean guitar. Did I say that I don't care?
Crystal Boy-ersox, aka the Dentist, aka His parents were in a gang! was bad this week. It hurts me to say it, but he was. I think he was trying to either a) lower expectations or b) make the judges realize that even if they don't particularly like the song he chooses to jazz up and play on acoustic guitar, they should shut up and enjoy it, because the alternative is much worse. Regardless, I think he's fine; his parents were in a gang! Maybe not even the same gang! We don't know!
"ABC family" and "Lucky to still be" here can be summed up in the following conversation between myself and the Fiance. -The Fiance was out of the room.
The Fiance: Is this the teenager?
Me: Nah, he went earlier... He sang 'my girl'
The Fiance: Dear God... How'd it go for him?
Me: It was like a guest appearance on 'Full House'
The Fiance- Good line, you should put that in your blog
Me: Oh, I will.
The Fiance: Who's singing then?
Me: It's the guy that got in cus the other guy got kicked out. I don't care about him really... Except that he's terrible.
Asian guy was boring.
Carrol Brady and 1995 were both really good. Also, they told a little bit about themselves, and it kinda worked on me. Carrol Brady gets real nervous before he goes on stage, or plays football. Also, he's from Texas, so he's tapping into my love of Friday Night Lights.
1995 has a stupid goatee. But he was a troubled kid who got sent to an alternative school and met a teacher he calls "Amy" -creepy! Who came to his audition with him -Even more creepy! He's kinda likable for a guy with a concealed weapons permit and douche-bag facial hair who certainly drives a car with a carbon-fiber hood on it.
Ok. I'm done. I think Asian Guy and "Lucky to still be" go home. Also I think Kara develops an addiction to prescription drugs, struggles to stay awake for the rest of the season and has a "comeback" performance mid season next year.
Additional thought: I saw everyone's favorite dreamboat Robert Pattison on the Daily Show last night (actually it was this morning, stay out of my business!) and I'm pretty sure he's dead. Not in a "150 year old dreamboat vampire" way, but in a "being animated through a series of electrical pulses" sort of way.
Either way, I think I need more you-tube clips in my blogs, this aired during the Olympics and begs the question: What?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's a man's world
Night 2 of the Idol "nitty gritty"... and as we all know, I like to get down to the nitty gritty.
So, I realized a couple of things about yesterday's column as I was watching Idol last night; First, I forgot to predict who will be going home. So prediction, um.... number five and number seven -I don't know, I promise some negative predictions when the season gets going, but right now there's just too many nameless faceless contestants... I'm starting to think I should have picked up next week at the top 20... but no matter. Second thing I realized while watching Idol last night; The Fiance doesn't know what dentists look like. God love her, but apparently she grew up in a world where dentists don't have neck tattoos. I don't want to live in a world like that.
So all sorts of guys performed last night, and as always when Idol brings in the guys, I'm reminded that the stupid goatee that I had banished to the realm of "stupid facial hair that douchebags the world over -myself included- sported in the late 90s and early 2000's" is still alive, well, and being worn by douchebags everywhere.
That being said, I don't have the patience to go through everyone again... Christ! it's 24 contestants, I don't even have the patience to write out 24 with actual letters! So I'm just going to go over the ones that I had any sort of opinion about (which should be about twelve of them).
First things first, they put the Dentist on last... you know why they did this? Because he's awesome, and they know it. But I think maybe they knew it too much this week, because they got all disappointed with his super awesome jazzy acoustic performance of some pop-punk song... the kind of song I would have listened to when I had a goatee. But yeah, he's a winner, there's a level of comfort with the creative process in him that isn't there with the other contestants, he's my male Crystal Bowersox... let's call him Dentist Boy-ersox (yeah!)... ok, we're not going to call him that. Still, I'm very proud of the fact that I pulled that out of the pile of crappy gender based Bowersox jokes in my head.
So we've got the Dentist. We've got the 19 year old kid from Texas who I like to call "Seriously, what's the deal with your hair?!". Ellen mentioned that he was keeping his mullet no matter what anyone says. My response: "That's what I'm talking about, Ellen!". Off topic, but another key Ellen moment of the night (I'm luke on Ellen so far, but I'm coming around... I just hate Kara so much). When the judges were "judging" Dreamboat VonHunkerson for his looking pretty while someone sang Brian Adams, Kara turned to Ellen for some back-up on how much all of the ladies wanted him. To which Ellen's face replied "dude, I like girls". Hehe, stupid Kara, what does Ellen want with Dreamboat when she's got Portia at home cooking up some hot ham water?
Well, Back to "Seriously, what's the deal with your hair?"... the thing is, it's not so much a mullet as Carol Brady's hair with the sides cut short. All that aside, he sang well, I really like his voice, and man, he was nervous! Like, you could pick me up in a bus -right now- fly me to Hollywood, throw me on a stage in front of cameras and tell me to sing a Dixie Chicks song (I don't know any Dixie Chicks songs... that's an unspoken part of the description) and I wouldn't look as nervous as that kid... which, frankly, kinda makes me like him. In three weeks, it won't make me like him anymore, but right now, it's endearing.
Let's see... who else... we covered Dreamboat- he was actually pretty good, just too dreamy for me to take seriously, and I kinda feel for him on that, you could tell watching him during the criticism that he was a little put out by the fact that all anyone talked about was how pretty he was. It's a rough life for the very beautiful among us.
I'm really blanking here... oh, there's "2 of Ryan Seacrest"... Big Mike, seriously, that guy's at least two of Ryan Seacrest... very funny to see them standing next to each other. Anyway, he's all right, I think I'll get tired of him the same way I'd get tired if I spent enough time with any gym employee.
There's "ABC Family", that kid needs a nose-job quick if he has any hope of breaking in to the teen-idol world -other than that, he's got it... he's asexual, non-threatening, he tops off at about 94 lbs. Even his "spiky hair" is only ambiguously spiky.
The guy that used the band as an excuse for his bad performance in Hollywood (bad move). So a) he was terrible...like awful terrible... baaaad b.) When Ryan said to him "So, have you and Mike made up?" (Mike's the band leader) he responded "Who's Mike?!"... oh Lord. So I think he's gone. There is the chance (and this happens often with Idol) that because he was really bad he'll get through because he'll get a bunch of support... I don't know.
To be honest, no one else stands out in my mind enough to talk about. I guess I should say that 70's guy should get a new shtick, but that's really all I've got.
Tonight; results show... I may bust out a quick post tomorrow about the results... I don't know. Survivor's on, so I'm not guaranteeing anything.
So, I realized a couple of things about yesterday's column as I was watching Idol last night; First, I forgot to predict who will be going home. So prediction, um.... number five and number seven -I don't know, I promise some negative predictions when the season gets going, but right now there's just too many nameless faceless contestants... I'm starting to think I should have picked up next week at the top 20... but no matter. Second thing I realized while watching Idol last night; The Fiance doesn't know what dentists look like. God love her, but apparently she grew up in a world where dentists don't have neck tattoos. I don't want to live in a world like that.
So all sorts of guys performed last night, and as always when Idol brings in the guys, I'm reminded that the stupid goatee that I had banished to the realm of "stupid facial hair that douchebags the world over -myself included- sported in the late 90s and early 2000's" is still alive, well, and being worn by douchebags everywhere.
That being said, I don't have the patience to go through everyone again... Christ! it's 24 contestants, I don't even have the patience to write out 24 with actual letters! So I'm just going to go over the ones that I had any sort of opinion about (which should be about twelve of them).
First things first, they put the Dentist on last... you know why they did this? Because he's awesome, and they know it. But I think maybe they knew it too much this week, because they got all disappointed with his super awesome jazzy acoustic performance of some pop-punk song... the kind of song I would have listened to when I had a goatee. But yeah, he's a winner, there's a level of comfort with the creative process in him that isn't there with the other contestants, he's my male Crystal Bowersox... let's call him Dentist Boy-ersox (yeah!)... ok, we're not going to call him that. Still, I'm very proud of the fact that I pulled that out of the pile of crappy gender based Bowersox jokes in my head.
So we've got the Dentist. We've got the 19 year old kid from Texas who I like to call "Seriously, what's the deal with your hair?!". Ellen mentioned that he was keeping his mullet no matter what anyone says. My response: "That's what I'm talking about, Ellen!". Off topic, but another key Ellen moment of the night (I'm luke on Ellen so far, but I'm coming around... I just hate Kara so much). When the judges were "judging" Dreamboat VonHunkerson for his looking pretty while someone sang Brian Adams, Kara turned to Ellen for some back-up on how much all of the ladies wanted him. To which Ellen's face replied "dude, I like girls". Hehe, stupid Kara, what does Ellen want with Dreamboat when she's got Portia at home cooking up some hot ham water?
Well, Back to "Seriously, what's the deal with your hair?"... the thing is, it's not so much a mullet as Carol Brady's hair with the sides cut short. All that aside, he sang well, I really like his voice, and man, he was nervous! Like, you could pick me up in a bus -right now- fly me to Hollywood, throw me on a stage in front of cameras and tell me to sing a Dixie Chicks song (I don't know any Dixie Chicks songs... that's an unspoken part of the description) and I wouldn't look as nervous as that kid... which, frankly, kinda makes me like him. In three weeks, it won't make me like him anymore, but right now, it's endearing.
Let's see... who else... we covered Dreamboat- he was actually pretty good, just too dreamy for me to take seriously, and I kinda feel for him on that, you could tell watching him during the criticism that he was a little put out by the fact that all anyone talked about was how pretty he was. It's a rough life for the very beautiful among us.
I'm really blanking here... oh, there's "2 of Ryan Seacrest"... Big Mike, seriously, that guy's at least two of Ryan Seacrest... very funny to see them standing next to each other. Anyway, he's all right, I think I'll get tired of him the same way I'd get tired if I spent enough time with any gym employee.
There's "ABC Family", that kid needs a nose-job quick if he has any hope of breaking in to the teen-idol world -other than that, he's got it... he's asexual, non-threatening, he tops off at about 94 lbs. Even his "spiky hair" is only ambiguously spiky.
The guy that used the band as an excuse for his bad performance in Hollywood (bad move). So a) he was terrible...like awful terrible... baaaad b.) When Ryan said to him "So, have you and Mike made up?" (Mike's the band leader) he responded "Who's Mike?!"... oh Lord. So I think he's gone. There is the chance (and this happens often with Idol) that because he was really bad he'll get through because he'll get a bunch of support... I don't know.
To be honest, no one else stands out in my mind enough to talk about. I guess I should say that 70's guy should get a new shtick, but that's really all I've got.
Tonight; results show... I may bust out a quick post tomorrow about the results... I don't know. Survivor's on, so I'm not guaranteeing anything.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
American Idolatry
First...
I'll admit it. Doogal broke me. It's still sitting on my entertainment center. I'm too ashamed to even mail it back to Netflix. I will hang my head low.
Ok, done with that (honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it past the first) on to the next thing: American Idol!
We're like a month in at this point, and have started in with the standard show mechanics. Singers sing, Judges judge, and America Americizes. Since there's a mammoth 24 contestants, and there's no way that the show could fit 24 contestants performing for a minute each into 120 minutes and leave time for commercials -I'm actually accepting the commercials as a given... I know how things work. It's the Idol filler that I'm directing my sarcasm at.
So the round up of the girls is as follows; Well, it's actually a pretty uninspiring group. There's the one blonde girl with two incarnations -like on Heros... remember that whole thing? Seriously, what kind of super-power is "My reflection in the mirror is another sentient being"? it doesn't make any sense. But there's those two girls. Their performances didn't matter... one of them sang Heart -will people please stop singing Heart? Please? They suck. No one does a good job with the songs. Stop. I don't remember what the other one sang, but it didn't matter.
You've got super young black-girl-who-sings-country. While we're here... I kind of think this may have been an ingenious plot to get her on the show. See, here's the thing; she doesn't sing country! She's had, what? 8-9 performances and one of them was country. one. That doesn't make her a country singer and more than the fact that my Pad Thai last night had tofu in it makes me a vegetarian. Also. She sucks. I think she'll be around for a while though... mark my words.
There's Andie McDowell and her "my parents are divorced" sob story... doesn't work. There's gigantic dangley bird earrings girl... she's the one with the gigantic dangley bird themed earrings. She's actually all right... I don't want to like her, but she's all right.
There's "80's movie 'weird' girl who gets made over by a popular girl and is suddenly 'hot' but in reality is just the weird girl wearing makeup"... I thought she did OK. Also, she didn't know what "Dark Horse" meant.
You've got "I can't think of a clever name for her" girl from Massachusetts. And 17 year old... there's one in every show. I didn't see the girl with the bright red hair, but the judges thought she was "pitchy". I don't remember Paige Miles... the other black girl. There's curly haired half-black girl, she sang "falling", she did a good job, she's very attractive. That's it for her.
And finally, my call for "by the end of the season she'll be remembered as my favorite". Crystal Bowersox. Pros: Her name's Crystal Bowersox; She's legitimately talented; She actually seems like she hasn't been watching Idol since she was three... as apposed to the contestants that want to seem like they're out-of-the-mainstream "street" performers, but whose clearly middle class parents are in the audience -I'm looking at you, Dangley bird girl; also her kid is adorable. Cons (yeah, I'd forgotten what we were doing too); She's got dreads. Really that's it. I didn't think she did so good with the harmonica this time, but I won't call that a "con". I really hate white-kid dreads, but do I hate them enough to overcome my general liking of all things Bowersox? I don't think so.
Tonight, the men... there's some winners in this group... I'm looking forward to it (I'm mostly looking forward to the guy with the crazy thick glasses... I'm going to call him "Dentist" because he reminds me of a dentist)
More tomorrow (right like you can believe any promise I make)
I'll admit it. Doogal broke me. It's still sitting on my entertainment center. I'm too ashamed to even mail it back to Netflix. I will hang my head low.
Ok, done with that (honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it past the first) on to the next thing: American Idol!
We're like a month in at this point, and have started in with the standard show mechanics. Singers sing, Judges judge, and America Americizes. Since there's a mammoth 24 contestants, and there's no way that the show could fit 24 contestants performing for a minute each into 120 minutes and leave time for commercials -I'm actually accepting the commercials as a given... I know how things work. It's the Idol filler that I'm directing my sarcasm at.
So the round up of the girls is as follows; Well, it's actually a pretty uninspiring group. There's the one blonde girl with two incarnations -like on Heros... remember that whole thing? Seriously, what kind of super-power is "My reflection in the mirror is another sentient being"? it doesn't make any sense. But there's those two girls. Their performances didn't matter... one of them sang Heart -will people please stop singing Heart? Please? They suck. No one does a good job with the songs. Stop. I don't remember what the other one sang, but it didn't matter.
You've got super young black-girl-who-sings-country. While we're here... I kind of think this may have been an ingenious plot to get her on the show. See, here's the thing; she doesn't sing country! She's had, what? 8-9 performances and one of them was country. one. That doesn't make her a country singer and more than the fact that my Pad Thai last night had tofu in it makes me a vegetarian. Also. She sucks. I think she'll be around for a while though... mark my words.
There's Andie McDowell and her "my parents are divorced" sob story... doesn't work. There's gigantic dangley bird earrings girl... she's the one with the gigantic dangley bird themed earrings. She's actually all right... I don't want to like her, but she's all right.
There's "80's movie 'weird' girl who gets made over by a popular girl and is suddenly 'hot' but in reality is just the weird girl wearing makeup"... I thought she did OK. Also, she didn't know what "Dark Horse" meant.
You've got "I can't think of a clever name for her" girl from Massachusetts. And 17 year old... there's one in every show. I didn't see the girl with the bright red hair, but the judges thought she was "pitchy". I don't remember Paige Miles... the other black girl. There's curly haired half-black girl, she sang "falling", she did a good job, she's very attractive. That's it for her.
And finally, my call for "by the end of the season she'll be remembered as my favorite". Crystal Bowersox. Pros: Her name's Crystal Bowersox; She's legitimately talented; She actually seems like she hasn't been watching Idol since she was three... as apposed to the contestants that want to seem like they're out-of-the-mainstream "street" performers, but whose clearly middle class parents are in the audience -I'm looking at you, Dangley bird girl; also her kid is adorable. Cons (yeah, I'd forgotten what we were doing too); She's got dreads. Really that's it. I didn't think she did so good with the harmonica this time, but I won't call that a "con". I really hate white-kid dreads, but do I hate them enough to overcome my general liking of all things Bowersox? I don't think so.
Tonight, the men... there's some winners in this group... I'm looking forward to it (I'm mostly looking forward to the guy with the crazy thick glasses... I'm going to call him "Dentist" because he reminds me of a dentist)
More tomorrow (right like you can believe any promise I make)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Another short post
So it turns out I can blog from work... thank God! The inability to blog was starting to have an effect on my reasonably opinion of this new job (you know, so far).
But Alas, I haven't watched Doogal yet... so I can't blog about that. Good news: American Idol proper starts next week, and I plan to give it some coverage, so there's that.
Two more things;
1) Watch Friday Night Lights... for the love of God! Watch it! The season's nearly over -for DirecTV customers, that is -I don't know what network channel it's on, but some channel -CBS, NBC, something will show this season again... so I guess watch it then... or go get an old season on DVD and watch it! It's the best show on TV. (also, give yourself a few episodes, it takes a minute to get into)
2) Apparently Taco Bell's founder died. And we have this:
Weird, No?
But Alas, I haven't watched Doogal yet... so I can't blog about that. Good news: American Idol proper starts next week, and I plan to give it some coverage, so there's that.
Two more things;
1) Watch Friday Night Lights... for the love of God! Watch it! The season's nearly over -for DirecTV customers, that is -I don't know what network channel it's on, but some channel -CBS, NBC, something will show this season again... so I guess watch it then... or go get an old season on DVD and watch it! It's the best show on TV. (also, give yourself a few episodes, it takes a minute to get into)
2) Apparently Taco Bell's founder died. And we have this:
Weird, No?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
One more thing...
If Idol has any hope of a post Simon-Cowell exitense, they need to pay special attention to the following three words: Neil Patrick Harris.
There, I've said my peace.
There, I've said my peace.
Something something I didn't know I was pregnant
Here's the thing; I've clearly never been pregnant. I probably couldn't even tell you where my vagina is (it's in the middle of my back, right?). Still, you know what I say to people who claim they didn't know they were pregnant? Wrong! Also, I don't care what TLC pays you, whether the story is true or false, telling your child that they were a surprise birth (mind you, not a surprise pregnancy, there's a difference) is like tattooing grateful dead bears on it's face, or naming it after a continent (or subcontinent) -you've just a made a number of life decisions for it that it will have a hard time reversing.
Doogal is coming!
Doogal is coming!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A little American Idol, a little crushing news
Do you watch American Idol? Do you love American Idol as I do? I got news for you, kid. This is the end of it. First Paula, now Simon will leave at the end of the season. Can the show survive on the personalities of Kara and Randy? Let me answer that question with another question; no.
But I'm not here to talk about Idol... in this stage of the game. I think it'd be a mess, I'm just not willing to take it on. I will say two things about Chicago: 1) people from there like it too much, it's weird. 2) If your two inspirational stories for the night are "I overcame my parents getting divorced when I was 19" (and "I overcame asthma to become a satisfactory singer", you're in for a slow night. Note: The Fiance brought up a good point about the divorce; they showed a picture of her parents together which was quite old. Perhaps they showed an old photo because that was the most recent picture of her parents together and they actually divorced quite some time ago? Doesn't really matter. Either was it's a poor inspirational story.
You're now starting to wonder if I wrote this entry just to say "I'm not going to write an entry about this". I did not, I wrote this entry for two reasons a) I have nothing... NOTHING! to do at work and b) I have sad, earth shattering news about the "Mike's Blog 100 worst films of all time inspirational contest" (TM); I couldn't find a copy of Hababam sinifi merhaba. I know. Worse? I don't think this is the last time this is going to happen. Anyway, with no other option but to continue down the list, I will continue down the... list.
Next stop: Doogal
But I'm not here to talk about Idol... in this stage of the game. I think it'd be a mess, I'm just not willing to take it on. I will say two things about Chicago: 1) people from there like it too much, it's weird. 2) If your two inspirational stories for the night are "I overcame my parents getting divorced when I was 19" (and "I overcame asthma to become a satisfactory singer", you're in for a slow night. Note: The Fiance brought up a good point about the divorce; they showed a picture of her parents together which was quite old. Perhaps they showed an old photo because that was the most recent picture of her parents together and they actually divorced quite some time ago? Doesn't really matter. Either was it's a poor inspirational story.
You're now starting to wonder if I wrote this entry just to say "I'm not going to write an entry about this". I did not, I wrote this entry for two reasons a) I have nothing... NOTHING! to do at work and b) I have sad, earth shattering news about the "Mike's Blog 100 worst films of all time inspirational contest" (TM); I couldn't find a copy of Hababam sinifi merhaba. I know. Worse? I don't think this is the last time this is going to happen. Anyway, with no other option but to continue down the list, I will continue down the... list.
Next stop: Doogal
Monday, January 11, 2010
The path is long and slow, and the underbrush is thick, but I believe I see a clearing ahead of me.
Wow, seriously. What a horrible piece of crap that was. I'll be honest with you, because what am I, if not honest? I didn't watch the whole thing. I'm not sure I made it half way.
Here's the catch; I didn't need to. It's like Cloverfield (I'm about to make myself look and feel old here), I went to see Cloverfield in the theatre. It gave me motion sickness -just like the hundreds of other middle-aged women that saw it in the theatre- and I left early, but throughout the movie, the question I kept asking myself was this: "Do I care enough about what happens to put up with the discomfort of nausea?" For the first 2/3rds of the movie the answer was "yes", but at some point, the answer turned to "no" and I got up and stumbled out of the theatre. Same thing happened with Marci X (and Funny People, but that's a story for another blog entry).
It's your standard Odd-couple scenario; on one side a black, hardcore gangster rapper. And what's the complete opposite of that? A rich blond Jewish heiress, of course! The movie writes itself! Well, so long as you include stereo-types so crude as to completely miss the mark -Dr. S (the "hardcore gangster rapper" everyone's up in arms about) has Christina Aguilera style backup dancers- the movie writes itself.
The story is this: There's this crazy offensive hardcore rapper, Dr S (Damon Wayans), see, and this super spoiled and superficial Jewish heiress(Phoebe from friends). But things get crazy when the rapper's new album "drops"! People get all outraged and boycott all the other companies owned by the wealthy Jewish man that owns (to his surprise, cus them wealthy Jewish men just can't keep track of all their businesses!) the record company. The boycott is so shocking that the wealthy Jewish man has a heart attack and is hospitalized and shielded from any business dealings. Well, it turns out this wealthy Jewish man has a daughter, who happens to be the totally vacuous, superficial, Jewish heiress. But when he tells her that he "wishes he had a son" so he could have someone to run the company, she gets all motivated and marches herself down to have a word with this Dr. S. So she arrives at his concert and he calls her up on stage to have a word with her about trying to censure him, but the jokes on him! After three or four tries (cause rapping is hard!) she breaks out the consumerist anthem (which you can find on my Meet the Spartans Blog) "Power in my purse"... it's all downhill from there. There's some terrible gay jokes, mixed with terrible boy band jokes (it's like peanut butter and chocolate) and that's really it. At some point they end up kissing (cause all that fightin' sure to make a person amorous!), then his girlfriend gets all "up in her face", then Mike gets up to have a snack and never recovers, the end.
Two good things;
Pat Cashman had a bit role (for those not from the Northwest and/or not over 30, Pat Cahsman was on the now defunct Almost Live a Seattle based sketch comedy show that aired after SNL during the 80s and 90s. He's also the non-cactus spokesman for Taco Time)
I have not yet been deterred from my quest to watch all 100 terrible movies on my list. Next on my list; Hababam sinifi merhaba or "Look at those funny Turkish people!" (Note: According to the good people at Dictionary.com it actually translates to "Hababam class hi"... I'm pretty sure it's a teen sex romp). I have NO idea where I'm going to find this. None. But I will give a valiant effort (or at least a passable effort, then I'll skip it and replace it with something else. Or just skip it.)
Warning: This may be the best clip I've ever posted, I'm actually looking forward to this. Also, is that Reba McEntire?
I'm done.
Here's the catch; I didn't need to. It's like Cloverfield (I'm about to make myself look and feel old here), I went to see Cloverfield in the theatre. It gave me motion sickness -just like the hundreds of other middle-aged women that saw it in the theatre- and I left early, but throughout the movie, the question I kept asking myself was this: "Do I care enough about what happens to put up with the discomfort of nausea?" For the first 2/3rds of the movie the answer was "yes", but at some point, the answer turned to "no" and I got up and stumbled out of the theatre. Same thing happened with Marci X (and Funny People, but that's a story for another blog entry).
It's your standard Odd-couple scenario; on one side a black, hardcore gangster rapper. And what's the complete opposite of that? A rich blond Jewish heiress, of course! The movie writes itself! Well, so long as you include stereo-types so crude as to completely miss the mark -Dr. S (the "hardcore gangster rapper" everyone's up in arms about) has Christina Aguilera style backup dancers- the movie writes itself.
The story is this: There's this crazy offensive hardcore rapper, Dr S (Damon Wayans), see, and this super spoiled and superficial Jewish heiress(Phoebe from friends). But things get crazy when the rapper's new album "drops"! People get all outraged and boycott all the other companies owned by the wealthy Jewish man that owns (to his surprise, cus them wealthy Jewish men just can't keep track of all their businesses!) the record company. The boycott is so shocking that the wealthy Jewish man has a heart attack and is hospitalized and shielded from any business dealings. Well, it turns out this wealthy Jewish man has a daughter, who happens to be the totally vacuous, superficial, Jewish heiress. But when he tells her that he "wishes he had a son" so he could have someone to run the company, she gets all motivated and marches herself down to have a word with this Dr. S. So she arrives at his concert and he calls her up on stage to have a word with her about trying to censure him, but the jokes on him! After three or four tries (cause rapping is hard!) she breaks out the consumerist anthem (which you can find on my Meet the Spartans Blog) "Power in my purse"... it's all downhill from there. There's some terrible gay jokes, mixed with terrible boy band jokes (it's like peanut butter and chocolate) and that's really it. At some point they end up kissing (cause all that fightin' sure to make a person amorous!), then his girlfriend gets all "up in her face", then Mike gets up to have a snack and never recovers, the end.
Two good things;
Warning: This may be the best clip I've ever posted, I'm actually looking forward to this. Also, is that Reba McEntire?
I'm done.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
From the land of melted brain waterfalls
Get this!
According to TMZ; Casey Johnson's (recently deceased Johnson & Johnson heiress) dogs were being held by Tila Tequila against the wishes of the Johnson family and concerned socialites/citizens Nikki Hilton and Bijou Phillips.
There are three people and one news agency that shouldn't exist in that story, can you guess who they are?
Also, if the pictures on that page are any indication, the dogs also shouldn't exist and may or may not have eaten their own face. (also, further research has brought to light that the dog shown in that picture may not be her dog... but seriously, where's it's face?!)
Marci X is coming! I promise!
According to TMZ; Casey Johnson's (recently deceased Johnson & Johnson heiress) dogs were being held by Tila Tequila against the wishes of the Johnson family and concerned socialites/citizens Nikki Hilton and Bijou Phillips.
There are three people and one news agency that shouldn't exist in that story, can you guess who they are?
Also, if the pictures on that page are any indication, the dogs also shouldn't exist and may or may not have eaten their own face. (also, further research has brought to light that the dog shown in that picture may not be her dog... but seriously, where's it's face?!)
Marci X is coming! I promise!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Happy New Year!
So I'm 4 days late, and I don't even have a point. Big deal! You think you're better than me?!
Regardless, consider the following;
And with that I bid you farewell!
Stay tuned for the promised "Marci X" blog
Regardless, consider the following;
- Mike, why are you writing an entry when you have nothing to write about
- On the list of blog entrys for my site, I want something in the 2010 folder.
- Good enough, anything else you want to do while you're here?
- Yeah, my buddy Mikey is always linking to my page, but I seldom return the favor, so here we are; Mikey's Blog -It's a good source for any lack of cursing you get from my blog... yeah, I try to avoid it; that's just my style
And with that I bid you farewell!
Stay tuned for the promised "Marci X" blog
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Belated Christmas Present:
Merry Late Christmas!
Spoiler- the bottom of the article is a let down; turns out they're just taking his show off the air, not locking him in a bunker underneath a mountain like they did with Carlos Mencia.
Spoiler- the bottom of the article is a let down; turns out they're just taking his show off the air, not locking him in a bunker underneath a mountain like they did with Carlos Mencia.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
End of Decade List
So I called it my "End of Decade" list because I really wanted it to have that "End of Decade" punch, but here's the thing; whether it's an "End of Decade" list or an "End of Year" list really depends on what I do next year, right? I mean, if I do something strikingly similar, then this is going to kind of feel like an "End of Year" list, but if I wait 10 years before doing another list (impossible, we'll all be dead by then... 2012 People! It's in the Bible) then this will seem like an "End of Decade" list... it's a tough call. Regardless, with the end of the decade fast approaching everyone's clamoring over each other to list things and as the list of "End of Decade" lists got longer, I found myself thinking "What?! Do they think they're better than Me?!"
So without further ado, here's my list of 100 things!
I sincerely thank all three of you for reading! Happy New Year!
So without further ado, here's my list of 100 things!
- Lime Juice - if orange juice and lemon juice came to a party, and they had a child and you were like "That child could be theirs, or it could be adopted, it's hard to call also it's good on Mexican food." that child would be lime juice.
- Spaceships
- Racket Balls - When I was a kid, I loved racket balls... don't know why, maybe it was the blue, maybe it was the rubber, maybe it was because when you open a can of them they smell like old fake peanuts.
- Toothpaste
- Canned Tomatoes
- Retirement Plans
- Third Base –The second most advantageous place to be, offensively, in baseball. Also slang for an arguable array of adolescent sexual conquests.
- Texas
- John Leguizamo - The Jerk... Well, that's all I can think of. I know he did other stuff, no time for a trip to IMDb though, I've got 97 more items on this list!
- Mid-day
- Ontario (Canadian province)
- Ontario (California)
- Horse-Diving –Remember that movie about the girl who went blind from horse high-diving? Also, remember in Braveheart when he jumped the horse into the moat? Awesome.
- The color red - the go to color for things that you want in red. less effective for things that you want in green.
- Operation
- “Softly”
- Flatware
- 67
- Name Tags - the world’s second most efficient name delivery device.
- Time
- The Concept of “Time” –yeah, you’d think I’d have something to say about this, I don’t.
- Tree Frogs
- Questions - Seriously, where would my blog be without them? Where would my life be without them? Where would any of our lives be without them?
- Textiles
- Fairhaven
- Mayan Calendar- More date combinations than Heidi Fleiss -Zing! Take that mid 90's pop culture reference and "Hollywood Madam"! I certainly took her down a peg. Also it predicts the grisly end of the human race or something.
- Queen Victoria
- Jell-O
- Existence
- Trains
- The Dodge Challenger - Honestly, I don't know much about it, but it's a thing. This is a long list of things.
- Pineapple
- Heidi Fleiss - Hmm. Heidi Fleiss beat out the very thing with which I zinged her -on my own list of things. Now I've been taken down a peg.
- Text
- Murphy Brown –Sass by the boatload!
- Extreme Sports
- Quitting - Constant companion, always whispering in my ear that there is a better way.
- Doing things half assed -A little more work than quitting, but can often be played off as "an honest effort"
- Murderous Rampages
- IMDb - Honestly, if my blog came with a bibliography, it would look like this:
- IMDb.com
- Mike's Big Book of Made Up Stuff
Also, it would be incorrectly formatted. - Bunny Rabbits
- Sticky Notes
- Patagonia (The region of Argentina)
- They Might Be Giants –Nothing in particular about them… I was just reading an interview with John Flansburgh (he’s in TMBG) and I thought to myself; “I like them”.
- Contextualizing things
- Facing your own mortality –more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding than facing someone else’s mortality.
- Actions –Particularly the ones that “speak louder than words”
- Old Timey Bicycles
- Terms of Service - the second least read collection of words in the English language. The first; Sarah Palin's Going Rouge. -I know what I wrote.
- People that think they’re better than their old man
- People that think they’re better than me
- People that think they’re too good for conventional fabrics
- Adolescents that think they’re too cool to be dropped off by Mom in front of their school.
- Sarah Palin - in 2008 she proved that "I'll be more attractive than your average fat old white guy" was a valid campaign promise. Also she was zinged by me on thing # 52.
- Nature
- Any list that involves a run on “people that think they’re better than, or too good for, something”
- Accents –Not the talky kind, the kind that tie a room together
- Accents –The talky kind
- Eternal Youth
- Sandals - One thing's for sure; they cover less of your feet than conventional shoes!
- People that hold steadfast to music that anyone in their 30's probably listened to and liked at some point, but we should all be ashamed of.
- People that use jokes about their friend's musical tastes to advance their blog's dumb "End of Something" list
- The US Postal Service
- Calvin urinating on things
- Cincinnati - considered to have been the first American boomtown in the heart of the country in the early nineteenth century to rival the larger coastal cities in size and wealth.
- Kayaks
- James Taylor
- James Gandolfini
- Pregnancy – The most effective way to propagate our species. The Second most effective? Destroy the Mayan Calendar and avoid the destruction it promises.
- Nostalgia –The #1 way to make things better than they were.
- Patriotism –Best if it’s misdirected.
- Thresholds
- The word “Labradoodle”
- Kirk Cameron –If there’s anything better than regular faith-based passive aggressive conversion campaigns, it’s cleverly organized faith-based passive-aggressive conversion campaigns to be carried out on college campuses nation-wide. Also, he was in Growing Pains with Boner.
- Boner –Not like that! Jesus!
- Low Hanging Fruit
- Synergy
- Trespassing
- Exact Matches
- Acronyms
- The Blues – “The Blues isn’t about making yourself feel better, it’s about making other people feel worse” –Bleeding Gums Murphy (may not be true). Also, it’s a nice portion of the color spectrum.
- The Anasazi
- Chewing Gum
- The Wikipedia page for “Spells in Harry Potter”
- Dentistry
- WikiHow
- Pottery –You ask; “What has pottery done for me?” I ask; “What hasn’t pottery done for you?”
- The Volkswagen Thing –Apparently it’s known in the United Kingdom as the “Trekker”… so am I.
- Canaries
- "Feathery"
- Personification –There are a lot of things. If you’re going to make something something else, why not a person?
- Wood –A major component in wooden boats, wooden houses, woods, etc…
- Weightlessness –I’ve never experienced it myself… but it seems pretty cool, no?
- The grisly end of the human race –As discussed in thing #75. What would the Mayan calendar, the book of Revelations, Nostradamus, and the Discovery Channel do without it?
- Hyperbole –The unrivaled absolute champion for delivery of anecdotes… Unrivaled
- Jesus –Some people think he’s God in human form, some people think he’s just a guy. Something everyone can agree on; He -at the very least- exists as a concept.
- Me –Yes, I beat out Jesus… well it’s my list, isn’t it?!
- Inconsistency –Like, say, listing 100 things as though they have no rank or meaning, then occasionally commenting on one thing ranking higher than another thing.
- “End of something” lists –There’s no better way to sum up a period of time than a hastily put together list.
- The Fiancé –Call it a self serving #1 on my list of things, I don’t care. Call it “sappy” or “Persian” or "elegant", even “exemplary” I don’t care. You don’t like it, get your own list.
I sincerely thank all three of you for reading! Happy New Year!
Quick Link
I'm working on Year-end stuff. Also, I promised -and plan to deliver- Marci X, I just haven't had time yet.
Anywho, despite my "working on Year-end stuff", I couldn't let this one fall through the cracks;
This is one of those ideas that seems great until you think about it for more than 45 minutes -unless you're me, it only took me 3 minutes, but I'm very bright.
Go Here
Anywho, despite my "working on Year-end stuff", I couldn't let this one fall through the cracks;
This is one of those ideas that seems great until you think about it for more than 45 minutes -unless you're me, it only took me 3 minutes, but I'm very bright.
Go Here
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Winter is a season for giving
And CBS has given me so much.
Also there's a Jewish version... I'm pretty sure he over enunciates "schmear" at the end... it's not Yiddish.
Also, CBS realizes that Jewish and gay aren't the same thing, right?
Also there's a Jewish version... I'm pretty sure he over enunciates "schmear" at the end... it's not Yiddish.
Also, CBS realizes that Jewish and gay aren't the same thing, right?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Meet the Spartans. Also meet Mike who's begun a slow descent into madness.
"I am a man of my word... until it becomes too hard. Then I quit." - Jesus
All right, Jesus didn't say that, I did. That's not the point.
I have not quit yet! Standing a mere 10 paces out from the starting blocks in this marathon of bad movies I've embarked upon, I can respond to questions of my impending early exit with an enthusiastic "Not yet!"
I watched Meet the Spartans. The Fiance watched Meet the Spartans. I laughed a handful of times, she laughed a handful of times, but I'll get to that in a minute.
This movie gave me -for the first time since my dramatic declaration last week- a realistic view on just how much of this metaphorical marathon will be uphill. The answer; all of it.
We watched the "Pit of Death" edition which the fiance clocked at an hour and 9 minutes (according to the blu-ray player... yes, we watched this on blu-ray). This creates two questions in my mind; first, I'm assuming that it's the "Pit of Death" edition because it has some kind of extra footage or something, how much extra footage could there possibly be in an hour and 9 minutes? Oddly, this is a harder question to answer than one would think. IMDb lists run-times of 86 and 84 minutes for Argentina and the UK respectively. I couldn't find a US run-time on IMdb, though netflix lists it at 89 minutes (I'm assuming we skipped 20 minutes of previews and credits). An hour and 9 minutes of actual movie is sparing (I choose my words carefully), which brings the second question; is the short run-time of this movie a sign that there might be some glint of self-awareness in the film's creators? Or is it just a sign of abject laziness? It's certainly not the former. A case could be made that this was not a result of laziness, that this is just the best that Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg can do. Based on the evidence from the "unrated" version, I could entertain that argument, but the number of times this movie showed any comic wit leaves no room for argument that there was any sort of "comic timing" involved in it's length (or, really anything else). Which leaves us at; Lazy or just really bad at what they do? I'm going with (c) "All of the above."
I did say earlier that there were a "handful" of times that The Fiance and I laughed. The aforementioned laughs? I can arrive at two; Leonidas (played by Sean Maquire, who also played the title character on Comedy Central's "Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire", and Jason Begley on Growing Pains) swore a few times that if the Spartans made the Persians attack through this narrow valley that "their numbers won't count for shit!". Side note- Kevin Sorbo (Hercules in the late 90's television series... um, Hercules) also had a supporting role in this movie. Two main actors with histories in "fantasy warrior" television series... hmmm.
The second chuckle; the entire existence of Ken Davitian (his IMDb photo is priceless- and inset
in this paragraph) . Ken Davatian played Xerxes, who's character was pretty consistently left out of crude, unfunny, jokes -save the his introduction which involves a nipple-ring tearing/staple gun incident... not funny. Anyway, Davatian's been around, the only role I could identify (and it was identified for us by the movie itself) was Borat, but he's at least not so much in your face obnoxious, which is saying something for this particular movie.
Bonus chuckle: The scene with the oracle was mildly (and I stress mildly before I imply that any part of this movie was funny) funny. Also, the Spartan's skipping to battle. That's it.
This was essentially a feature length version of Hans Moleman's "Football in the Groin" padded with poor attempts at homophobia and "hot chicks", and dated-before-they-were-put-on-film pop culture references. The Fiance said it well (I'm paraphrasing); "You know a movie's bad when the 'hot women' aren't even that hot... I mean, how hard is it to get actual hot women, there's a lot of them."
That's why I'm marrying her.
Next movie: Marci X
I do this for science.
All right, Jesus didn't say that, I did. That's not the point.
I have not quit yet! Standing a mere 10 paces out from the starting blocks in this marathon of bad movies I've embarked upon, I can respond to questions of my impending early exit with an enthusiastic "Not yet!"
I watched Meet the Spartans. The Fiance watched Meet the Spartans. I laughed a handful of times, she laughed a handful of times, but I'll get to that in a minute.
This movie gave me -for the first time since my dramatic declaration last week- a realistic view on just how much of this metaphorical marathon will be uphill. The answer; all of it.
We watched the "Pit of Death" edition which the fiance clocked at an hour and 9 minutes (according to the blu-ray player... yes, we watched this on blu-ray). This creates two questions in my mind; first, I'm assuming that it's the "Pit of Death" edition because it has some kind of extra footage or something, how much extra footage could there possibly be in an hour and 9 minutes? Oddly, this is a harder question to answer than one would think. IMDb lists run-times of 86 and 84 minutes for Argentina and the UK respectively. I couldn't find a US run-time on IMdb, though netflix lists it at 89 minutes (I'm assuming we skipped 20 minutes of previews and credits). An hour and 9 minutes of actual movie is sparing (I choose my words carefully), which brings the second question; is the short run-time of this movie a sign that there might be some glint of self-awareness in the film's creators? Or is it just a sign of abject laziness? It's certainly not the former. A case could be made that this was not a result of laziness, that this is just the best that Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg can do. Based on the evidence from the "unrated" version, I could entertain that argument, but the number of times this movie showed any comic wit leaves no room for argument that there was any sort of "comic timing" involved in it's length (or, really anything else). Which leaves us at; Lazy or just really bad at what they do? I'm going with (c) "All of the above."
I did say earlier that there were a "handful" of times that The Fiance and I laughed. The aforementioned laughs? I can arrive at two; Leonidas (played by Sean Maquire, who also played the title character on Comedy Central's "Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire", and Jason Begley on Growing Pains) swore a few times that if the Spartans made the Persians attack through this narrow valley that "their numbers won't count for shit!". Side note- Kevin Sorbo (Hercules in the late 90's television series... um, Hercules) also had a supporting role in this movie. Two main actors with histories in "fantasy warrior" television series... hmmm.
The second chuckle; the entire existence of Ken Davitian (his IMDb photo is priceless- and inset
in this paragraph) . Ken Davatian played Xerxes, who's character was pretty consistently left out of crude, unfunny, jokes -save the his introduction which involves a nipple-ring tearing/staple gun incident... not funny. Anyway, Davatian's been around, the only role I could identify (and it was identified for us by the movie itself) was Borat, but he's at least not so much in your face obnoxious, which is saying something for this particular movie.Bonus chuckle: The scene with the oracle was mildly (and I stress mildly before I imply that any part of this movie was funny) funny. Also, the Spartan's skipping to battle. That's it.
This was essentially a feature length version of Hans Moleman's "Football in the Groin" padded with poor attempts at homophobia and "hot chicks", and dated-before-they-were-put-on-film pop culture references. The Fiance said it well (I'm paraphrasing); "You know a movie's bad when the 'hot women' aren't even that hot... I mean, how hard is it to get actual hot women, there's a lot of them."
That's why I'm marrying her.
Next movie: Marci X
I do this for science.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Brilliant Scheme or How I Ended My Engagement
Hello Dear reader!
Seriously, at this point I'm positive that I've driven away even the most tolerant reader I might have had with my inconsistency -or more accurately my consistent non-existence. Still, I have a blog, and I intend to use it!
Good News! I've been struck with an immensely brilliant idea. A unbelievably brilliant idea that will, undoubtedly, result in the following three things happening: First; it will either make myself immeasurably more dim-witted or immeasurably more cynical -probably not both, Second; it will cause The Fiance to vomit with rage, and third and most important; it will give me an angle that should give me blogs through -at least- the end of the year, if all goes well, it could get me through considerably longer.
At this point, you're probably asking yourself -well, you're probably not, because no one's still reading, but if I were reading, I'd be asking myself; "What is this brilliant idea he speaks of?! Could it be learning to use a semi-colon properly?!" No. It is not learning how to use a semi-colon properly; I have always been, and will always continue to be an artist that can't be limited by the rules of "proper punctuation"... myself and e.e. Cummings.
Anyway, my idea is this: IMDB has a list of the 100 worst movies of all time. I will -for your sake dear reader (funny side note here: I'm pretty sure my only reader at this point is The Fiance, and since we live together, and watch movies together, I will not be sparing her from anything) Anyway, for someone's sake, dear reader, I will ingest and report on every one of these 100 worst movies of all time! (another side note: some of these movies are way old, and foreign, and obscure, I may not be able to find them... I don't know what I'll do when I come to that, but I'll do something).
The list is here: http://www.imdb.com/chart/bottom
One more thing: I'm assuming this is a dynamic list. Because that could cause all sorts of problems, I'm going to stick to the list as it is right now:
Meet the Spartans (2008) Marci X (2003) Hababam sinifi merhaba (2004) Doogal (2006) Levottomat 3 (2004) Bolero (1984) Daddy Day Camp (2007) Blackwoods (2002) Kazaam (1996) It's Pat (1994) Büyü (2004) Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) Gigli (2003) Araf (2006) Hababam sinifi askerde (2005) Hababam sinifi 3,5 (2006) Alien from L.A. (1988) The Smokers (2000) Ed (1996) Alone in the Dark (2005) Love in Paris (1997) The Underground Comedy Movie (1999) Phat Girlz (2006) Simon Sez (1999) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Cool as Ice (1991) Nine Lives (2002) Baby Geniuses (1999) Epic Movie (2007) American Ninja V (1993) Mitchell (1975) Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996) 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998) Demon Island (2002) In the Mix (2005) Chairman of the Board (1998) Ein Toter hing im Netz (1960) Son of the Mask (2005) Laserblast (1978) I Can Do Bad All by Myself (2009) Leonard Part 6 (1987) Snowboard Academy (1996) Car 54, Where Are You? (1994) Space Mutiny (1988) Feel the Noise (2007) Glitter (2001) Troll 2 (1990) Santa with Muscles (1996) House of the Dead (2003) The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964) Eegah (1962) Surf School (2006) Anne B. Real (2003) Tangents (1994) Going Overboard (1989) L'uomo puma (1980) Keloglan kara prens'e karsi (2006) Santa Claus (1959) Soultaker (1990) The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II (1985) Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam'in oglu (2006) The Hottie & the Nottie (2008) The Creeping Terror (1964) Ator l'invincibile 2 (1984) The Tony Blair Witch Project (2000) Crossover (2006) The Apocalypse (2007) The Wild World of Batwoman (1966) Die Hard Dracula (1998) Girl in Gold Boots (1968) Stjerner uden hjerner (1997) Who's Your Caddy? (2007) Zodiac Killer (2005) The Maize: The Movie (2004) The Hillz (2004) Kis Vuk (2008) Los nuevos extraterrestres (1983) Troppo belli (2005) The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) From Justin to Kelly (2003) Hobgoblins (1988) Disaster Movie (2008) Emret komutanim: Sah mat (2007) Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996) Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag (2007) Pledge This! (2006) Dis - en historie om kjærlighet (1995) Zombie Nation (2004) Track of the Moon Beast (1976) Fat Slags (2004) The Final Sacrifice (1990) Zaat (1975) Ben & Arthur (2002) Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) The Skydivers (1963) The Starfighters (1964) Monster a-Go Go (1965) Daniel - Der Zauberer (2004) Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966) Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
So when does this start? This weekend I will watch The Mist -BTW, fantastic monster horror movie, with one of the most awful, rip your heart out, unfair endings of all-time. Seriously, I like the movie, but probably a good idea to stop 5 minutes from the end... as soon as he gets out of the Jeep turn. it. off! Seriously. So when I finish The Mist, I will return it to Netflix and my next disc will be #100 on the list; Meet the Spartans. The Fiance may quash this before it ever gets off the ground- But at least I wrote a blog.
Seriously, at this point I'm positive that I've driven away even the most tolerant reader I might have had with my inconsistency -or more accurately my consistent non-existence. Still, I have a blog, and I intend to use it!
Good News! I've been struck with an immensely brilliant idea. A unbelievably brilliant idea that will, undoubtedly, result in the following three things happening: First; it will either make myself immeasurably more dim-witted or immeasurably more cynical -probably not both, Second; it will cause The Fiance to vomit with rage, and third and most important; it will give me an angle that should give me blogs through -at least- the end of the year, if all goes well, it could get me through considerably longer.
At this point, you're probably asking yourself -well, you're probably not, because no one's still reading, but if I were reading, I'd be asking myself; "What is this brilliant idea he speaks of?! Could it be learning to use a semi-colon properly?!" No. It is not learning how to use a semi-colon properly; I have always been, and will always continue to be an artist that can't be limited by the rules of "proper punctuation"... myself and e.e. Cummings.
Anyway, my idea is this: IMDB has a list of the 100 worst movies of all time. I will -for your sake dear reader (funny side note here: I'm pretty sure my only reader at this point is The Fiance, and since we live together, and watch movies together, I will not be sparing her from anything) Anyway, for someone's sake, dear reader, I will ingest and report on every one of these 100 worst movies of all time! (another side note: some of these movies are way old, and foreign, and obscure, I may not be able to find them... I don't know what I'll do when I come to that, but I'll do something).
The list is here: http://www.imdb.com/chart/bottom
One more thing: I'm assuming this is a dynamic list. Because that could cause all sorts of problems, I'm going to stick to the list as it is right now:
So when does this start? This weekend I will watch The Mist -BTW, fantastic monster horror movie, with one of the most awful, rip your heart out, unfair endings of all-time. Seriously, I like the movie, but probably a good idea to stop 5 minutes from the end... as soon as he gets out of the Jeep turn. it. off! Seriously. So when I finish The Mist, I will return it to Netflix and my next disc will be #100 on the list; Meet the Spartans. The Fiance may quash this before it ever gets off the ground- But at least I wrote a blog.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Something about shows I haven't seen before
Oh boy,
It's been years and years since I've blogged, so much has changed; people no longer tie a team of horses to their carriages to get from place to place - they now use so called "horse-less carriages". They no longer use block ice to keep out perishable foods cold, they now use "Electric Ice-boxes". I no longer wait for the second, undoubtedly thrilling installment of the Twilight movie series, and most importantly, The Fiance is no longer referred to as "The Girlfriend"... in fact, she will henceforth be referred to as "The Betrothed".
So I've decided (over the last 45 seconds) that I'm in my wheelhouse when talking about new shows -at least shows that are new to me- and recently a reader (or a person who did read my blog, you know, when I used to update it) a reader who -for the sake of anonymity, and because it's funny to me- will be called "Gummer Soff" told me that I should watch "Community" and I did. Here's the thing; is it funny? Yeah. Does it belong in "the squared circle" with the likes of The Office, what appears to be the future of Parks and Rec (that's turning into a good show!), and the ghost of 30 Rock past (that's turning into a not-so-good show)? No, certainly not. If ABC knows what's good for them, they'll -oh- if NBC knows what's good for them, they'll make this a one-season and done series, I just don't see a future in it.
My sister, a non-reader, we'll call -for the sake of anonymity, and because it's funny to me- her "Laura Lester"... crap, that doesn't work with her name... we'll call her "Naura Nester" told me to watch ".... I don't remember the name of the show... it's the one with the guy who played Al Bundy on Married with Children. It doesn't really matter. I didn't watch it. I did record it though, so I might watch it later.
Bam! Blogged!
It's been years and years since I've blogged, so much has changed; people no longer tie a team of horses to their carriages to get from place to place - they now use so called "horse-less carriages". They no longer use block ice to keep out perishable foods cold, they now use "Electric Ice-boxes". I no longer wait for the second, undoubtedly thrilling installment of the Twilight movie series, and most importantly, The Fiance is no longer referred to as "The Girlfriend"... in fact, she will henceforth be referred to as "The Betrothed".
So I've decided (over the last 45 seconds) that I'm in my wheelhouse when talking about new shows -at least shows that are new to me- and recently a reader (or a person who did read my blog, you know, when I used to update it) a reader who -for the sake of anonymity, and because it's funny to me- will be called "Gummer Soff" told me that I should watch "Community" and I did. Here's the thing; is it funny? Yeah. Does it belong in "the squared circle" with the likes of The Office, what appears to be the future of Parks and Rec (that's turning into a good show!), and the ghost of 30 Rock past (that's turning into a not-so-good show)? No, certainly not. If ABC knows what's good for them, they'll -oh- if NBC knows what's good for them, they'll make this a one-season and done series, I just don't see a future in it.
My sister, a non-reader, we'll call -for the sake of anonymity, and because it's funny to me- her "Laura Lester"... crap, that doesn't work with her name... we'll call her "Naura Nester" told me to watch ".... I don't remember the name of the show... it's the one with the guy who played Al Bundy on Married with Children. It doesn't really matter. I didn't watch it. I did record it though, so I might watch it later.
Bam! Blogged!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Glee is back from the future to stop the creation of Higg's-bosson particles in a way that gives everyone an equal chance.
Whoo! I'm feeling good this morning! Had a mid-week Veteran sponsored break, Glee's back, birds from the future are ensuring that the Higgs-boson particle is never found, it's a goo.... You thought the "birds from the future" thing was just one of my insane ramblings? Oh, foolish reader (not you,The Girlfriend, my other reader... who's probably stopped reading due to the unreliable nature of my blogging, and my propensity towards calling them foolish)... anyway, check this out:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20091111/wl_time/08599193737000
Did you catch the part where they tried to justify the theory by saying that a lot of the currently accepted laws of physics seemed improbable at first? Now I'm no physicist (No, really, I'm not) but "A particle can have the properties or a wave or a point depending on how you observe it" gets this reaction from me: "Oh." Whereas "'Nature' or 'God' - we don't want to leave anyone out of our insane theory- is blocking the creation Higgs-boson particles from the future" gets this reaction from me: "Oh." Anywho, if "God" or "Nature" has the desire to send animals back to keep horrible things from happening, how do you explain Missy Elliot? (Dated? Yeah, probably... I really don't like her though).
Well Glee is back -take that World Series!... is it cliche to hate the Yankees at this point? I think it is, but I still do. Anyway, Glee's back, and they are going straight for it tonight... whatever "it" is.
I don't think I blogged on the last one, but -to bring you up to speed- the gay kid came out to his dad, and -I'm assuming- everyone else... but everyone already knew, and his dad was cool about it. Also last week Sue kicked Quinn off the Cheerios for being with child.
So this episode was all about equality. glee club director (I can't remember his name, it's just not there) wants to move the club away from pop music to something the judges at "sectionals" will find more pleasing... namely, Broadway. So the song they're doing is from "Wicked" and of course it's the lead girl's song (man, I've got NO names in me this morning... makes for a rough blog... anyway, it's the dark haired one... I don't know.). But gay kid (still can't remember his name) also wants the lead part. So originally glee club director's all "no way" but then gay kid's dad gets all up in the school's hizzy because it's discriminating against his son. As a result, Glee club has to hold auditions for the lead part, and the Cheerios have to hold auditions for a replacement for Quinn.
Enter high school girl with Down's syndrome and 30 minute period of the show in which Mike holds his breath... I can make fun of anyone. I draw the line at Down's syndrome, or really any sort of real developmental disability. It's mean, it's low hanging fruit (and I mean that in -honestly- the least offensive way possible), and it's mean. I lost a lot of love for American Idol the year that they made fun of the fat obviously mildly retarded kid... not OK (and yes, I realize how using the term "retarded" betrays my point... I'm not perfect, take me down from the pedestal).So I'm holding my breath, DS girl plus Cheerios tryouts plus Sue equals trouble for a show I'm really starting to like. Then to make matters worse, the DS girl gets the spot on the Cheerios. Glee club director -who's watching the tryouts to ensure that Sue is fair- voices my concerns; "What are you planning Sue?".
In the mean-time, gay kid's dad gets harassing phone calls and gay kid throws the audition to save his dad from more harassing phone calls. Also, Quinn is all over Finn to get a job to make money for the baby, meanwhile mohawk guy (the baby's real father) keeps trying to give Quinn money and getting denied, which is legitimately breaking my heart for everyone but Quinn. There's also some stuff about a bake sale to try to earn money to get a bus for sectionals that the wheelchair kid can ride on... here's the thing: it's not a realistic plot line, and it's not a hugely entertaining part of the show, so I'm going to ignore it for the rest of the blog.
Back to Sue and the DS girl; We've dropped the anchor of dangerously mean comedy into the murky waters of Sue. It turns out those waters are much deeper than originally thought. This episode ends with Sue reading "Little Red Ridding Hood" to an older woman who also appears to have Downs Syndrome. I came away with the idea that it's Sue's sister, but I can't say for sure if the show said that, or if I just assumed.
Anyway, tonight's episode was a little messy, a little erratic, but it appears that Glee has thrown down the gauntlet. This is a ridiculous show, I won't argue that. There's still a good 10-15 minutes of uncomfortable musical numbers per show. This weeks episode brought another side to that; I think I might actually care what happens to these characters.... but not so much Missy Elliot.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20091111/wl_time/08599193737000
Did you catch the part where they tried to justify the theory by saying that a lot of the currently accepted laws of physics seemed improbable at first? Now I'm no physicist (No, really, I'm not) but "A particle can have the properties or a wave or a point depending on how you observe it" gets this reaction from me: "Oh." Whereas "'Nature' or 'God' - we don't want to leave anyone out of our insane theory- is blocking the creation Higgs-boson particles from the future" gets this reaction from me: "Oh." Anywho, if "God" or "Nature" has the desire to send animals back to keep horrible things from happening, how do you explain Missy Elliot? (Dated? Yeah, probably... I really don't like her though).
Well Glee is back -take that World Series!... is it cliche to hate the Yankees at this point? I think it is, but I still do. Anyway, Glee's back, and they are going straight for it tonight... whatever "it" is.
I don't think I blogged on the last one, but -to bring you up to speed- the gay kid came out to his dad, and -I'm assuming- everyone else... but everyone already knew, and his dad was cool about it. Also last week Sue kicked Quinn off the Cheerios for being with child.
So this episode was all about equality. glee club director (I can't remember his name, it's just not there) wants to move the club away from pop music to something the judges at "sectionals" will find more pleasing... namely, Broadway. So the song they're doing is from "Wicked" and of course it's the lead girl's song (man, I've got NO names in me this morning... makes for a rough blog... anyway, it's the dark haired one... I don't know.). But gay kid (still can't remember his name) also wants the lead part. So originally glee club director's all "no way" but then gay kid's dad gets all up in the school's hizzy because it's discriminating against his son. As a result, Glee club has to hold auditions for the lead part, and the Cheerios have to hold auditions for a replacement for Quinn.
Enter high school girl with Down's syndrome and 30 minute period of the show in which Mike holds his breath... I can make fun of anyone. I draw the line at Down's syndrome, or really any sort of real developmental disability. It's mean, it's low hanging fruit (and I mean that in -honestly- the least offensive way possible), and it's mean. I lost a lot of love for American Idol the year that they made fun of the fat obviously mildly retarded kid... not OK (and yes, I realize how using the term "retarded" betrays my point... I'm not perfect, take me down from the pedestal).So I'm holding my breath, DS girl plus Cheerios tryouts plus Sue equals trouble for a show I'm really starting to like. Then to make matters worse, the DS girl gets the spot on the Cheerios. Glee club director -who's watching the tryouts to ensure that Sue is fair- voices my concerns; "What are you planning Sue?".
In the mean-time, gay kid's dad gets harassing phone calls and gay kid throws the audition to save his dad from more harassing phone calls. Also, Quinn is all over Finn to get a job to make money for the baby, meanwhile mohawk guy (the baby's real father) keeps trying to give Quinn money and getting denied, which is legitimately breaking my heart for everyone but Quinn. There's also some stuff about a bake sale to try to earn money to get a bus for sectionals that the wheelchair kid can ride on... here's the thing: it's not a realistic plot line, and it's not a hugely entertaining part of the show, so I'm going to ignore it for the rest of the blog.
Back to Sue and the DS girl; We've dropped the anchor of dangerously mean comedy into the murky waters of Sue. It turns out those waters are much deeper than originally thought. This episode ends with Sue reading "Little Red Ridding Hood" to an older woman who also appears to have Downs Syndrome. I came away with the idea that it's Sue's sister, but I can't say for sure if the show said that, or if I just assumed.
Anyway, tonight's episode was a little messy, a little erratic, but it appears that Glee has thrown down the gauntlet. This is a ridiculous show, I won't argue that. There's still a good 10-15 minutes of uncomfortable musical numbers per show. This weeks episode brought another side to that; I think I might actually care what happens to these characters.... but not so much Missy Elliot.
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